I hate to say it, but this is not a clever story, or even a good one. No, this story, your story, right here, is about pooping. Consider that your hashtag content warning!
You throw your empty recycle-friendly coffee cup into the recycle bin. As you consider getting a second cup, your intestines let out a tiny rumble. You scan the room to see if anyone overheard it, but thankfully, you are alone.
You walk into the office bathroom, breathing a sigh of relief when you notice all four stalls are empty. Although it’s a natural and required function, you’re always embarrassed by doing your business in a public place. Especially the office. The chances of seeing someone you know in the office bathroom is tenfold to that of a shopping center or mall, and it is never a comfortable experience.
You sit and relax for all of one second before the door opens. Now, you have an audience. Great!
While you try to ignore her and get on with your business, the other woman sits and lets out a toot.
Soon there’s a duet of toot, splash, toot, splash, and you resist the urge to yell out, “Good, healthy bowels, lady”. No, that’s not right. You don’t think that. It would make you a sociopath. Bathrooms are not meant for jokes or banter of any kind. Just silence and the knowledge that someone else’s butt has done the same thing you both are doing probably less than an hour ago. That makes you cringe, and you choke down the sour taste the thought left in your mouth.
As suddenly as it started, it ends. Both of you sit on your toilet seats pretending to push out more, listening for signs that the other is leaving first. You can’t both exit the stalls at the same time. What if your eyes meet in an eternal death-lock of “I heard what you just did in there”? What if she is a sociopath and mentions your healthy #2? No! No, thank you. Not on your watch!
When it seems she will not leave before or, worse yet, with you, you go about the business of removing all traces of what happened in here before racing to the washbasins, cleaning up, and power-walking back to your desk. You ignore any movement coming out of the restroom hallway and get back to work with a new feverish intensity.
You rethink your earlier plan. Maybe you don’t need that second cup of coffee after all.