The Cellar Door – a micro

Daisy trembled as the tap, tap, tapping on the cellar door matched the fervent thumping of her heart. She took a swallow of wine to quiet her nerves, but an unexpected metallic taste made her retch.

“What do you want?” she cried.

The door breathed in and out.

“You,” it hissed.

The knob turned slow, deliberate. But when the door swung open, nothing was there.

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Death’s Prank

“If you wanted to set your life on fire, there wasn’t a better combination. That‘s what I should have told him. The fool. The day had been long; I was in no mood for violent or rude people. And he was both,” I confess.

“Don’t you think you took it too far, Death?” Father Time asks. His palms rub his glorious beard; long strands fall to the floor with every stroke.

An array of clocks cover the expansive room from the floor to the walls and the ceiling. While a thick sheet of plexiglass protects them, the sound is far from muffled. Grandfather clocks chime, seconds, on the analog clocks, tick, and digital clocks hum. What might happen if I smash one? I make a mental note to carry my scythe next time they bring me here. Mother Earth knows, no punishment can rehabilitate me.

I snicker at his question, “I don’t! He totally had it coming.”

#

I thought about the fool. His jerk face made me so mad I wanted to punch it.

Earlier that evening, I sat on a bench outside the Fish ‘n Chips shop waiting for my order, when I heard him slap his wife. He stumbled out of his house and demanded, “Keep the door unlocked, ya slag, I won’t be long!”

I watched him kick a leashed dog on the footpath and push the owner out of his way.

#

Father Time, the old bugger, shoots me a disgusted look.

“I honestly don’t know why you’ve got your panties in a bunch. I didn’t reap him,” I say with a sigh.

#

The fool crossed the road and walked into the shop the same moment my order was ready. He snatched the wax paper package from the shopkeeper and threw a $10 note at him. I grabbed his arm and demanded he hands over my meal, but he spat at me as he pushed me away.

“Fuck off, cu-”

Before he could finish the detestable word, I blew dust into his face and sent him stumbling across the street. He was oblivious to the minor changes around him. He walked to his house and turned the knob only to find it locked.

#

A giant grandfather clock appears in front of me. Father Time opens the lower door. He pushes the bob, and the pendulum clangs so loud it echoes through my whole body.

“Do your worst,” I shrug, as I recall the rest.

#

The fool banged on the door, screaming obscenities, until it opened, revealing a large, tattooed man. “Who the fuck are you? Where is my wife?” he yelled.

“This is my girlfriend’s house. Kindly remove yourself from her property,” the tattooed man demanded.

A woman walked to the door. Her eyes grew wide as she recognized him; then she burst into hysterics, “You‘re a bit late. Only took you five years to bring home dinner.”

#

I hold my stomach and let out an boisterous laugh. “See? It was funny because she had already moved on and forgotten the trauma of him disappearing.”

Father Time’s nostrils flare. “I gave you access to time so you could do your job and be in multiple places at once, not pull pranks on unsuspecting innocents.”

He ushers me inside the clock. I lower myself down the hole in the bottom and take a final look at Father Time’s angry face.

“Twenty Earth years, Death. Let’s see how you like that.”

I indulge in one final laugh as he slams the door, “Totally worth it!”

 

 

Image: Source


Embarrassing

I sat in the rear of the auditorium with my parents. I graduated earlier that year and yet here I was back at my old high school. I was only here for my brother and sister. I wasn’t one of “those kids” that couldn’t leave my high school behind me.

It was a long two-hour show. The sopranos were quiet compared to the powerhouses of the last year, myself not included, but the tenors had been amazing. At the end, I knew what happened next. Every Christmas, the Paris High School Concert Choir sang “Hallelujah Chorus” from Handel’s Messiah, and every year, the music director invited alumni to join in the song, on-stage.

I am not one of “those kids.”

I sat and watched as a handful of people walked onto the stage. “Losers,” I whispered.

The music director said it again. Is she trying to coax me onto the stage?

Nope. I’m not doing it. Can’t make me.

I stared at my sister in the alto section. Her eyes looked focused on me.

“Don’t do it, Mel.” “Do it.”

Do you really want me up there with you? 

“No. Yes. No. Yes.” I couldn’t tell what she wanted.

A final call came out, and Dad patted my shoulder. “Go on, Mel.”

Ugh. Fine.

It’s a long, agonizing walk to the stage. I’m holding everyone up now. 

I tried a casual jog. I reached the stairs and took one. Hurry up! 

I lift my foot to the next and tripped.

My knees and palms dropped onto the hard cedar steps. Ow!

Laughter erupts in the auditorium and on-stage. Jeezus, everyone’s laughing at me! I found out later that I exaggerated it in my head, but boos are louder than cheers.

Can’t back out now. I swore, bit the corner of my lip, and rose with a groan. I took the rest of the stairs at a deliberate pace.

I stood at the end of the sopranos with my heart in my throat. I swallowed, trying to regain my composure, and declined the sheet music. I gave the music director a half-smile and a nod when she asked if I was okay. She lifted her hands, and the music began. Soft, be soft. You have nothing to prove.

We sang the song. I had to admit I enjoyed it, but I also was never, ever, going to do that again. I left the stage, sure I dropped my pride on those steps.

On the ride home, Dad admitted, “You sang louder than everyone else.”

“Great,” I said with a blush. Of course I did.


The Space Between – a introspection

I watch a lot of TV. Probably far too much. Recently, though, I sat down to watch Master of None on Netflix. (I know I’m rather late to the party.) As the credits faded to black on the final episode, I was hit with the sadness that comes with realizing I was all caught up. I immediately did a search for “Master of None season 3” and was met with this:

2018-09-26_8-17-00

I swallowed. Hard. What alleged behaviour? How had I missed this?

I did as I always do when I read something, I researched. In this day when information flows faster than thought, it’s important to do your homework before establishing an opinion. At least, that’s what I think, and I wish it was the case across the board, because then we’d not have instances like the whole Ruby Rose issue from two weeks ago. If you believed everything you saw online, you’d think that no one agrees on anything anymore, but what about that space between – where most of us live?  

I watched Master of None believing fully that Ansari, having written most of the episodes, practiced what he was preaching in the show. The focus on race and gender inequality was what drew me in and kept me hanging around. I was grateful to have a show that didn’t merely talk but embodied what I thought should be the way people handled racism and sexism. It hurt to know it had been a manipulation. Would it have been better if I had never watched the series at all?

I’ll admit. I mostly try to avoid watching anything with celebrities that I know have been exposed by the MeToo movement or have been exposed in someway. I know I’m just one person, but I want to show the entertainment industry that I will not support these people. I also do the reverse and  support movies and productions that I wish Hollywood would make more of, but that’s not what this piece is about.

I can’t watch Kevin Spacey anymore, nor can I see anything with Bill Cosby, Louis CK, Johnny Depp, Jeffrey Tambor, Danny Masterson, Steven Seagal, etc etc, or directed movies by Woody Allen, Bryan Singer, Roman Polanski. After this last week, I’m not so sure I can watch Shane Black movies, even though his offense was hiring a sex offender.

The list keeps growing. It’s all a bit too much to keep track of sometimes, so at what point do you just give up? And where is the space between the person and the art?

Hundreds of people are involved in a production. Kevin Spacey was replaced by Christopher Plummer amid the allegations last year in All the Money in the World. Netflix did the right thing and kept House of Cards for one final season, featuring Claire Underwood, but what about Roseanne? She was the title character. Does a series like The Connors make sense to the public?

Somehow, though, people still like Mel Gibson. He continues to work despite being a shitty human being. Bryan Singer is still directing. Louis CK receives standing ovations. Johnny Depp is allowed to play in two major franchises (which leaves me in a conundrum when deciding if I should or shouldn’t watch the next Fantastic Beasts, despite being a moderate Potterhead).

I sat down to watch Manchester by the Sea last year, despite knowing about Casey Affleck. If I had boycotted it, I would have missed an incredible performance and the best written movie I’ve seen in recent memory. I’d have missed Master of None’s phenomenal “Thanksgiving” episode if I had known about Ansari. So the question remains, what about that space between boycotting a person and an entire production?

I don’t really have an answer, and I don’t think I ever will.

How to Barely Survive a Half Marathon

It starts with six simple words, “I should run a half marathon.” It comes from a belief: Running will help you lose weight. It’s probably three to six months before the event, so you have plenty of time to learn all the important things and lose the weight too. Before you know it you’re committed, in more ways than one:

You’re insane, and part of you knows it.

Step 1. Plan your training


There are so many resources online to help you plan your training routine. None are better or worse than the previous. Choose the one that you think you can follow.

It won’t matter. You’ll still be grossly unprepared by race day.

The hype will be real. You may even buy new shoes and the cutest little active-wear set to get you started. All that will come crashing down when you actually start running. You might think you’re easing into it with only a short 3km run on day one, but you’ll know the truth after training. Your lungs will hate you, your legs will despise you, and your heart will convince you you’re dying.

Remind yourself after the first week, that you still have 12-16 weeks before race day, and once you lose some weight, it’ll all get easier.

Step 2. Con Someone to Join You


Convince your friend or spouse that it’s a great idea. As you train, you’ll talk about how tomorrow you’ll both stretch and massage your aching muscles, next week you’ll both eat better, and next month you will see a difference in your running pace.

You won’t do any of those things, but it’s nice to have a running partner that shares your best intentions.

You’ll treat yourselves after you run. You don’t really want to be on your feet in the kitchen for another half hour to an hour, so you’ll get some Chicken McNuggets or Fish & Chips and binge a couple hours of some TV show on Netflix before falling asleep way too early because you’re old and physical activity is exhausting.

Step 3. Recovery


If you continue on this path, you’ll reach the stage where your body will start to reject your training, and you’ll doubt whether you’re cut out for this long distance thing. But since it’s now only a month away from the event, you’ll convince yourself you just have to get through the next few weeks and it’ll all be over. Start the cycle you were meant to from day 1. Run, stay hydrated, take Epsom Salt baths and rub Deep Heat on your legs. Stretch, use a foam roller, get a remedial massage, use a Tens Machine – 

Do anything and everything you can to work out the sorest spots on your legs.

Practice during your runs with energy sources, like gels or jelly beans or whatever tastes best. Learn the difference between good and bad muscle soreness. Then pray that you haven’t torn your abductor or ITB or meniscus or caused a stress fracture. Research all of the above and become convinced you have all of the above.

Remind yourself, you’ve come too far now to quit, dammit.

Step 4. The Half Marathon


Wait til almost too late to read how to prep for race day. Maybe three days before? Just because you’ve been planning this day for months doesn’t mean you can’t procrastinate something. Start carb loading. Massage every day and plan your strategy:

Convince yourself you’re only going to run for 10km before taking a walking break.

Race day comes. Get through the first 10km and convince yourself maybe you should wait until the 15km mark. Get to 15km and realize this was the worst idea in the world, but if you walk now, you won’t run again:

Keep running

even when your knees and feet and hips and back and shoulders and neck and — Everything hurts.  Tell your running partner, “Never again” at least 100 times. Hear him say the same thing 100 times more. Separate your mind from your body. Watch your zombie self continue putting one foot in front of the other.

Cross the finish line under your goal time and try your hardest not to crash face forward on the ground. Walk for another 30 minutes until you’re certain your back is breaking and finally sit down, only then can you let your achievement known to the world.

Then celebrate. You did it, you insane idiot! Now go eat some Chicken McNuggets as a treat.