Lifestyle Yo-yo

“If you lose any more weight, you’ll be blown away in the wind.”

Undoubtedly, I am not all that skinny anymore, but growing up, I was.

2006
2006

I found then, as I do even now, that being skinny came with its own set of prejudices and mistruths. That skinny equals starving yourself.

I can tell you with certainty that my 18-year-old self ate. a. lot.

I struggled for years to live with the fact that I was too thin to fit in jeans normally, or that sometimes I would find better fitting clothes in the children’s section. I struggled even more with people’s perception of me. All that food I ate, just had to be thrown back up, there was no way a 20-year-old weighed 100lb without doing something.

I didn’t hit that magical line when the metabolism slows and weight starts to creep up until I was 25.

It happened at the same time that I moved to Australia. Well, I think some of it might have started before, but I didn’t notice it until then. By 2007, I was 150lb (69kg).

2008
2007

That’s when the self-loathing settled in.

When, I started having a lot of health problems (mostly stomach pain), I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Gastritis. With these came the call to reduce my weight. With PCOS, I had an increased risk of developing heart disease and diabetes, even more so than normal. I was told to reduce my serving sizes and eat more frequently. Also: no fried foods or spicy or acidic.

IMG_2562
2009

For six months, I did just that, and I saw a massive change. I dropped 20lb and started to feel like I might have my life back again. I didn’t suffer as much with pain in my stomach or anything.

Then I got lazy again. I ate lots of food, stopped caring about what kinds I did, and the weight crept up again.

It all culminated to after my wedding. I didn’t recognize myself anymore, and I realized all that hard work I had done was gone again. I was back to 150, only this time, it went up to 160lb.

 

IMG_0338
2010

 

In 2011, we made a lifestyle change. We started going to the gym. Despite many injuries and setbacks, I reached my ideal in 2013. I was fit and healthy, and not too bad looking (except for my acne, but that’s another story). I ranged from 115-125lb during this time.

2013
2013

The crazy thing, though, I was still was not content. And this is where the failure occurred back then. I couldn’t see anything except the fat that I had always seen. But now I look at that photo, and I just wonder, “What the hell was I on about?”

I wasn’t the strongest person, or the fastest, but I had all of 25% body fat, and I gave it my all.

So why the hell wasn’t I happy?

Because it was damn hard to maintain, and the achievement of making it there only meant I still had that much more to go. I wanted to be down below 20% body fat (I don’t even understand why now!), but there was nothing to me there.

When a sciatic nerve injury derailed me that year, I let it stop me completely. Then it was costocondritis, and soon after that, I gave up. Sure, I kept telling myself, “Go back to the gym.” I even had a gym in my own backyard to encourage me.

But I didn’t.

I contracted Ross River Virus last year, which attacks the joints like arthritis would. It pretty much incapacitated me and gave me even more excuses of why I couldn’t train.

So when my husband came home after a massage and told me about these lovely people who do an 8-week challenge, we talked about doing it all over again. I was supremely unhappy, and he was, as well. We tried out their boot camps and decided it was a good fit. So we signed up.

2016beforeI was disgusted when I discovered then, I was at 172lb. I was the largest I had ever been. And I needed to do something fast.

So I joined. I hated the meal plan. I struggled with the workouts, but I came every day I could and ate almost the right stuff, and now, after the challenge’s end, I am down to 148lb.

2016afterI lost 11.94% of my weight in 8 weeks.

I still have another 21kg to go before I will be at my goal, but I’m not kidding myself this time. I’m not looking to get down to 18% body fat or have a flat stomach or any of that. I’m only after one thing: to get back into a nice dress or a pair of jeans. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and prove to others that it can be done despite everything.

So what have I learned from all this? The first is that I’m competitive when doing things with others. In order to get the benefit from my training, I have to do it with other people. The second thing is that I have to find foods I enjoy that are good for me. I can have crap, but not all day every day or at the level I was before. (*cough* Big Mac, 10 nuggets, fries and sundae *cough *). Thirdly, is that I need to be realistic. If I were an athlete, I have every right to want to aim for 18% body fat, but I’m not and never will be. I don’t need to be under 130lb to be comfortable in my skin. That means I don’t have to train twelve times a week and only eat healthy foods if I want to stay thin. I never want to be as small as I was in my early twenties, but I never ever want to be back at 170lb.

If I can get it right this time, then maybe I can prove to myself that I do have some self-worth.

 

 

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13 thoughts on “Lifestyle Yo-yo

  1. Oh Melony. I love you that much more after reading this. Stay strong and know that you are beautiful in your skin, as you are. You don’t need to look a certain way to have self worth. You just have to believe that you are worthy. And you so are worthy.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I think you are an achiever. Cos whenever you have set your mind, you were able to do it. Cutting down a fat is good if you feel good about it and it keeps you healthy. More than what you weigh, it’s important that you feel good.

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  3. It seems we’re on the same wave length this week. It is so hard to pry self-worth from body image and so hard to learn that they have nothing to do with each other. You are no alone with your struggle.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I really admire your persistence, Melony. I was really skinny growing up too. My mom constantly had to battle people who thought I was ill or I wasn’t eating enough 🙂 And now after my baby, I’m struggling to keep the extra lbs away. It is so hard.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It really is! You have a perception of what you looked like before and the image you see now. I certainly feel like I’ve learned my lesson this time though and when the weight comes off, it’s staying off.

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m tempted by the popular phrase, “the struggle is real!” Okay, I gave into that temptation. I so admire that you could share your story with your readers. You are worthy, I’ve noticed your kind words and support to all of us in the Yeah Write circle, that means a lot. I love your pictures through all the phases of you.

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  6. Congratulations on all that you have accomplished!:) Life, like weight, comes with its own ups and down, but you got up and kept going! That’s true strength! Stay strong❤

    Like

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