Flash Fiction Challenge Round 1 Feedback

NYC Midnight have finally sent me my Round 1 Feedback about the story “The Patriots.”  For the first time that I’ve done this competition, the judges have mirrored the comments left by those that read my story after posting it last month. Ultimately, it tells me that I could have done so much better with this story, and the lack of betas that round didn’t help me.

Also, it definitely shows that splitting perspective in a flash fiction, even if a suspense trope is changed perspective,  is not a good idea. Now I know for next time. 🙂

Without further ado, here is my feedback:

“The Patriots” by Melony Boseley – WHAT THE JUDGE(S) LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY – ………………Sadly, this is a very topical subject. You have cleverly woven it into a fictional tale within the given genre, subject and object. The narrative is descriptive making it easy to visualize the scene. The story has pace and is suspenseful. …………Good job building suspense within the story. Some realistic dialog as well……………………….Strong story of danger.  The suspense aspect is well handled with continuing danger to the girl as she both tried to say hidden and be proactive.  Good job…………………….………………………   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK – ………………Always strive to keep your writing as tight as you can get it. Omit words you can do without. Example:  …as he cradled it.  No need to add ‘across his arms’ because we already know how he’s cradling the rifle. I suggest you don’t over use upper case letters. Neither ‘Congressman’ nor ‘General’ require one unless you are directly addressing them by their title: ‘Yes, Congressman Smith’ or ‘General Jones fought in Europe in 1943.’ …………Story Logic – Why would Claire’s dad ask her to put herself at risk like that? It doesn’t make sense based on the information provided in the story. The point-of-view shift to Heath feels out of place, you could reveal most of the info in that scene through Clair overhearing it…………….…………Opening line feels obvious – fall and you land on the ground – try: “Claire fell back onto the floor of the custodial room.” And “moving into a crouch” or “moving at a crawl.”  If it’s a closet there isn’t much room to walk around in………………………………………….

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s